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Police Academy: Mission to Moscow
1994 - PG - 83 Mins.
Director: Alan Metter
Written By: Pat Proft and Neal Israel
Starring: George Gaynes, Michael Winslow, David Graf, G.W. Bailey, Christopher Lee, Claire Forlani
Review by: John Ulmer
Currently holding the number 13 spot on the Internet Movie Database's list of the worst films ever created by man (or other beings), "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow" boasts the worst tagline in the history of film: "Kicking buttski. Making you laughski. The Academy is backski!" As I wrote in my older review posted specifically to IMDb, "Even the tagline suckski!" So does the rest of the film. How ironic!

In 1989 the sixth entry into the loathed "Police Academy" legacy, "City Under Siege," was formed and released into theaters. It brought in over 11 million dollars nationwide. (Was our nation smoking something back then?) Suffice to say, it did quite well for being a sixth film in a hated line of films. But a year passed and there were no more sequels. Then another year. No more sequels. And so people praised the Lord that the endless spraying of sequel trash had finally stopped. People figured that Warner Bros. had been smart enough to end the series on a (financially) good enough note. If only they knew that in 1994 yet another entry would be added to the ill-fated series. And so comes the final film in the neverending "Police Academy" series. Or so we hope. You never know -- there could be plans for yet another lurking just around the bend. Someone in Warner Bros. could be -- at this very moment -- passing over a script for "Police Academy 8." The horror...the horror....

I have no wish to even indulge in this film, but as part of my Police Academy Review Series I've been conducting simply out of idiotic reasons, I must conclude the critiques with one on this truly horrible film. But here comes the truthful honesty: Over the past few days of my review-writing, this series has sort of grown on me as a low-budget, stupid movie with harmless intentions kinda way. (Laughs.) Yeah, right. And if you believed that, then you'll also believe that there are little Richard Simmonses running around! (Arnie said that in a movie once.)

"Police Academy: Mission to Moscow" breaks away from the numbering of the other sequels (1, 2, 3, etc...). Perhaps the film execs wanted to disguise it so that wandering moviegoers would accidentally stumble into the theater before having the lights flick off and the goofy title music blare into the crowded multiplex.

The Russians need help dealing with the Mafia, and so they seek refuge with the goofy cadets of the previous films (though Steve Guttenberg's mysterious disappearence in Part 5 remains as unexplained as Bobcat Goldthwait's). If I were the Russians, I would sue Warner Bros., because this film indirectly proposes that they are a stupid race of beings. Why else would they call for help from a police squad noted for getting into mischievous trouble six times? (And that's just how many films there were -- imagine how many more "episodes" they went through that we didn't get a glance into! On second thought...I don't want to know.)

Goofy antics ensue. Big comic pratfalls involving banana-peel-type-humor and loud, noisy, KERPLUNK! sound effects proceed to demonstrate that the makers of these films have absolutely no knowledge whatsoever about how to create a good film. People in American may have been smoking something in 1989 when the sixth film came out, but they must have cleaned up by 1994, because "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow" raked in a sad, measly amount of 126,247 dollars. And with that type of income, I wouldn't bet too highly on another sequel. Although you never know -- people were probably saying that after the third film came out...

So ends my reviews of the series. If there was anyone out there reading my reviews during this week on a regular basis (I doubt it), thanks for putting up with everything. For those who just stumbled onto this single have some catching up to do. And remember: Everything is fair game for Hollywood and the "Police Academy" series. So if you're fat, thin, nerdy, geeky, normal, abnormal, twitchy, blinky, or any of the above and beyond, think twice before you go out in public next time. There could be an aspiring "Police Academy 8" writer looking for material. That material could be you.
Movie Guru Rating
Unwatchable.  One of the worst of the year.  Skip it.
  0.5 out of 5 stars

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