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Holla If I Kill You!
2003 - Not Rated - 81 Mins.
Director: John Polonia, Mark Polonia
Written By: John Polonia, Jeff Carroll
Starring: Brooklyn Mike, Mike Yard, Wil Sylvince
Review by: James O'Ehley
Probably the most pointless movie I have ever seen.

Ten minutes into the movie and I have guessed the identity of the “unknown” killer who is stalking and killing off the film’s various characters. I however thought to myself: it can’t be that easy. Maybe it’s a red herring, designed to draw attention from the REAL killer’s identity. Perhaps the film-makers are going to pull an unexpected plot twist towards the end of the movie in which the murderer would be revealed to be . . . someone else.

So I kept on watching. Hoping. And no. The killer was exactly who I thought it would be. No plot twists, no surprises, nothing. The only possible suspect in the movie in actual fact turned out to be . . . the killer.

Besides wanting to know whether the film-makers would pull a plot twist I kept on watching because I had to write a review of the movie. It wouldn’t be fair if I wrote a review of a movie I didn’t watch throughout. Luckily I watched the movie on DVD (um, as if it’s ever going to get a theatrical release) – that way I could do all kinds of little domestic chores such as washing the dishes, straightening some pillows in the sitting room, spraying some ants that have gathered around a piece of food my baby girl had dropped on the floor with bug poison, and so forth with the movie still running.

Finally the movie ground to its uncomfortable end and I wondered what the point was of it all.

First, the (ahem) plot. An African American comedian named Hollaback is down on his luck. His standup routines are no longer funny (to be honest they are so dreadful that one wonders how they could ever have been funny once) and he is often boo-ed off the stage of the Wanna Laugh comedy club.

The Wanna Laugh comedy club by the way must be the smallest comedy club in the world: it looks as if it could seat only six patrons.

Anyway, as Hollaback’s fortunes decline, a mysterious figure with a deep voice appears and starts killing off Hollaback’s comic rivals, audience members who have boo-ed him, club managers who have booked him and barmen who have served him drinks.

A police detective appears half-way to investigate the killings and is never seen again. No, I am not saying the killer got him too – he just never appears again throughout the entire movie! Why bother introducing a character that isn’t going to do anything, not even be one of the killer’s many victims!?

Meanwhile the killer makes phone calls to Hollaback in which he cracks worse jokes than Hollaback himself. Everybody’s a comedian, I suppose.

Who could the killer be? Could it be Hollaback’s scorned and possessive girlfriend? Or could it be . . . his overprotective and cloying girlfriend? Have you considered the possibility that the killer could be his jilted girlfriend? Or how about the girlfriend?

Aaargh! So many suspects, such a long running time. Okay, it clocks in at under 90 minutes, but at one point I considered turning the TV’s sound down and putting on some music instead and just watch the silent images. I would probably still have been able to follow the storyline that way. Besides, the movie obviously featured some annoying rap music (to which I am immensely allergic). Worse however is the incidental music, consisting of either JAWS-style rip-off strings or a “watch what I can play with only one hand on my Casio synthesizer” score.

Somewhere in-between there were the strains of a muted jazz trumpet and I suddenly felt like putting on some Miles Davis. I however felt that scenes of bad actors getting senselessly killed in scenes featuring ultra-unrealistic gore make-up effects would probably spoil it for me.

So I stuck it through.

Halfway through the movie a storm broke out. There was a lot of lightning. After I had pressed the eject button on the DVD player I lit some candles, poured a drink and put on some Miles Davis and then, due to some strange karma, the lights went out in an electricity blackout.

Somehow this was a lot scarier than anything I’ve seen in the movie because it confirmed that if there had been a kind and loving God He would have caused an electricity blackout a lot earlier while I was watching HOLLA! IF I KILL YOU . . .

(By the way, according to the box cover HOLLA! IF I KILL YA stars several “a recognizable cast of some of the hottest comics on TV.” They are Brooklyn Mike, Mike Yard, Wil Sylvince, Arnold Acevedo, Brad Lowery, Jay Phillips, Kareem and Jerry Ford, with appearances by Kenny Williams, Rob Stapleton, F.O.B and Harris. No, I don’t know any of them either . . .)
Movie Guru Rating
Offensive and completely without value.  Should never have been released.
  0 out of 5 stars

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