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Dollman vs. Demonic Toys
1993 - R - 64 Mins.
Director: Charles Band
Producer: Charles Band
Written By: Craig Hamann
Starring: Tim Thomerson, Melissa Behr, Tracy Scoggins, R.C. Bates and Phil Brock
Review by: Bill King
   
Imagine the pitch meeting. After spending about an hour typing the screenplay for 'Dollman vs. Demonic Toys,' Craig Hamann tossed his 20-page masterpiece in a plastic Wal-Mart shopping bag and delivered it to producer Charles Band at Fullmoon Studios. "Here it is," Hamann said, "the script you asked for. It's a sequel to three previous Fullmoon movies, combining characters and intersecting storylines to deliver a unique narrative that should be loads of fun for our fan base." "Very good," gloated Mr. Band. "Tell me about what you've written." The nervous up-and-comer Craig Hamann, who had just squandered his savings to pay for film school in order to write meaningless scripts, proclaimed proudly: "Imagine Brick Bardo from 'Dollman' and Judith Grey from 'Demonic Toys' teaming up to do battle with the evil playthings. It'll be a hoot!"

"I bet it will," said Charles Band. Charles took the script and read it in 10 minutes. He set the manuscript down on his desk and appeared lost in his thoughts. Finally, he said, "Craig, I like what you've done. You have a bright future here at Fullmoon Studios. Here's something I don't understand. It says here on page two that Nurse Ginger from 'Bad Channels' is still in a shrunken state from that film, and that Brick Bardo, the 13-inch cop from 'Dollman,' wants to date her." "That's correct," said Craig, with his right index finger in the air. "I thought it would be neat to bring back Nurse Ginger." "But Craig," said Charles, "Ginger was restored to her full height at the end of 'Bad Channels.' It was actually the character Cookie who was left in a miniature state. How do you account for that?"

"Um, uh," fumbled Mr. Hamann, "maybe people will forget about that." "I don't know," said Mr. Band, "because 'Bad Channels' was only released a year ago. People might remember." Craig Hamann appeared dumbfounded. Surely he wouldn't make such a bumbling continuity error of this magnitude, would he? Finally, Charles Band broke the silence. "Listen, we already paid you a lot of money to type this script, and we can't afford to send you back to replace Ginger's name with Cookie's, so we'll just leave it as is. I don't think our fan base will see the mistake." "Oh thank you," said Craig, in a state of elation. "I didn't think I could commit myself to fixing that." "It's quite alright," Charles assured him. "Besides, this might work to our advantage. We've budgeted around $300 to the special effects, and there's not much money left for us to hire Charlie Spradling to reprise her role of Cookie. Your error will actually allow us to bring back Melissa Behr to play Ginger. This movie will be an excellent opportunity to showcase Melissa's wonderful cleavage."

Craig thought for a moment, then nodded his head in agreement. "I think that'll work," he said, "but what about Tracy Scoggins and Tim Thomerson? Won't they notice this mistake?" "I don't think so," Charles said with confidence. "I doubt Tracy has seen 'Bad Channels,' and Tim is too faithful to me to turn down this opportunity. He's struggling to get back into the mainstream. After the successes of 'Uncommon Valor' and 'Volunteers,' his career went on a different trajectory, appearing in low-budget direct-to-video junk by Albert Pyun. I'm just trying to give the guy a hand. He's a good actor, and he's got this dollman guy nailed."

"Yeah, I think this movie is gonna work," said Craig. "All we need to do is lift lots of footage from 'Dollman,' 'Demonic Toys' and 'Bad Channels' to pad out the running time to just over an hour. We won't have to shoot a bunch of original scenes, because we'll save lots of money by reusing older footage. With our cutting-edge special effects department, we'll be able to incorporate a cheaply-designed spider into a scene to attack Ginger. We don't have much money, so the audience will forgive us for cutting corners. Of course, we could save money by not making the movie at all, but the commercial tie-ins and soundtrack sales are what movies are all about. I think we should get Quiet Riot to do the soundtrack."

"Who's Quite Riot?," asked Charles. "Oh, only one of the hottest bands around," screamed Craig, in ecstasy. "They did that song 'Cum On Feel the Noize'" "I remember that song," said Charles. "I especially liked the way they use the synonym for semen in the song title. It's brilliant! Yes, I like the way this movie is unfolding. Okay, let's go forward with production. I'll inform the art department to develop cheap-looking prosthetic masks. I'll unearth some of the old footage from previous movies and set them aside so that we can figure out where exactly in the narrative they should go. You know, I want to direct this movie myself."

Craig looked stunned at this news. "You! But you're not exactly a good director. I mean, you did a few decent flicks like 'Trancers' and 'Trancers II,' but your strengths lie in the production side of things, and even then you're not really renowned. You add 'Re-Animator' to your résumé even though Stuart Gordon was the real brains behind that movie. Why would you want to direct my magnum opus?"

Charles Band: "Because it's my company, that's why."
 
Movie Guru Rating
Offensive and completely without value.  Should never have been released.
  0 out of 5 stars

 
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